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This is from the November 2002 issue of Esquire. Well worth the read. I'm still giggling.
Things a Man Should Not Know
1.How to say anything in Klingon
2.How to say anything in Elvish
3.What Britney Spears’s head looks like when pasted onto somebody else’s naked body.
4.Where to buy an “authentic” bolo tie.
5.The details of his wife’s first sexual encounter.
6.The difference between a double axel and a triple lutz.
7.A vegan.
8.The date on which the Olsen twins become legal.
9.Tucker Carlson’s e-mail address.
10.The sassiest thing Star Jones said today on The View.
11.Tobey Maguire’s middle name.
12.Cher’s real age.
13.The names of the 10 American Idol finalists.
14.His favorite stripper’s phone number.
15.His best friend’s salary.
16.The Google results for his high school girlfriend.
17.The latest book in Kelly Ripa’s book club.
18.That Kelly Ripa has a book club.
19.The permanent placement of While you were sleeping on E!’s Rank: 25 Best Date Movies.
20.That the female long-eared groundhog is an animal likely to engage in lesbian behvior, including complicated acts of oral sex.
21.The chicken dance.
22.His favorite Far Side comic.
23.How to make one mean ambrosia salad.
24.Where to pick up the perfect inspirational desk calendar.
25.James Van Der Beek’s filmography.
26.The meaning of the words bunting, wainscoting, and espadrilles.
27.How to mix a slippery nipple, a screaming orgasm, or a slow comfortable screw.
28.How to carve tofurkey.
29.A single lyric from any O-Town song.
30.A single line from any book ever written by Elizabeth Wurtzle.
31.A fair price for a pedicure.
32.The slugging percentage of that journeyman left fielder whom the Braves just traded to the Rockies and who may be a nice pickup for his fantasy baseball team.
33.What it is like to walk around the city wearing a velvet peacoat.
34.The melody to the theme song from Little House on the Praire.
35.The local priest’s boxer or brief predilection.
36.The name of Rue McClanahan’s character on The Golden Girls.
37.What happens to the little cows before they become they delicious veal on the plate.
38.More than two lines from the movie Fletch.
39.How to play a James Taylor song on the guitar.
40.Any 900 number by heart.
41.How to order a mail-order bride.
42.His bra-cup size.
43.The current cast members of Mamma Mia!.
44.His parents’ favorite sexual position.
45.The price of John Wayne Gacy’s clown paintings on ebay.
46.How to manufacture napalm.
47.What is sounds like if you put a microphone in front of a megaphone.
48.How to cross-stitch.
49.The cost of a white belt or a pair of chaps (any color).
50.The ingredients of a ballpark frank.
I'd bet money that our boy knows #'s 3, 6, 7, 14 (gender TBD), 15, 19, 21 (and I'd like to see him do it), 24, 29, 31, 33, 34, 36, 47 and 49.
Things a Man Should Not Know
1.How to say anything in Klingon
2.How to say anything in Elvish
3.What Britney Spears’s head looks like when pasted onto somebody else’s naked body.
4.Where to buy an “authentic” bolo tie.
5.The details of his wife’s first sexual encounter.
6.The difference between a double axel and a triple lutz.
7.A vegan.
8.The date on which the Olsen twins become legal.
9.Tucker Carlson’s e-mail address.
10.The sassiest thing Star Jones said today on The View.
11.Tobey Maguire’s middle name.
12.Cher’s real age.
13.The names of the 10 American Idol finalists.
14.His favorite stripper’s phone number.
15.His best friend’s salary.
16.The Google results for his high school girlfriend.
17.The latest book in Kelly Ripa’s book club.
18.That Kelly Ripa has a book club.
19.The permanent placement of While you were sleeping on E!’s Rank: 25 Best Date Movies.
20.That the female long-eared groundhog is an animal likely to engage in lesbian behvior, including complicated acts of oral sex.
21.The chicken dance.
22.His favorite Far Side comic.
23.How to make one mean ambrosia salad.
24.Where to pick up the perfect inspirational desk calendar.
25.James Van Der Beek’s filmography.
26.The meaning of the words bunting, wainscoting, and espadrilles.
27.How to mix a slippery nipple, a screaming orgasm, or a slow comfortable screw.
28.How to carve tofurkey.
29.A single lyric from any O-Town song.
30.A single line from any book ever written by Elizabeth Wurtzle.
31.A fair price for a pedicure.
32.The slugging percentage of that journeyman left fielder whom the Braves just traded to the Rockies and who may be a nice pickup for his fantasy baseball team.
33.What it is like to walk around the city wearing a velvet peacoat.
34.The melody to the theme song from Little House on the Praire.
35.The local priest’s boxer or brief predilection.
36.The name of Rue McClanahan’s character on The Golden Girls.
37.What happens to the little cows before they become they delicious veal on the plate.
38.More than two lines from the movie Fletch.
39.How to play a James Taylor song on the guitar.
40.Any 900 number by heart.
41.How to order a mail-order bride.
42.His bra-cup size.
43.The current cast members of Mamma Mia!.
44.His parents’ favorite sexual position.
45.The price of John Wayne Gacy’s clown paintings on ebay.
46.How to manufacture napalm.
47.What is sounds like if you put a microphone in front of a megaphone.
48.How to cross-stitch.
49.The cost of a white belt or a pair of chaps (any color).
50.The ingredients of a ballpark frank.
I'd bet money that our boy knows #'s 3, 6, 7, 14 (gender TBD), 15, 19, 21 (and I'd like to see him do it), 24, 29, 31, 33, 34, 36, 47 and 49.
